When it comes to seduction, you better believe I am a big flirt. Flirting as giving someone attention, eye contact, and a smile is a thing even babies do. And as a bonus, it feels delicious to get that smile back.
What I never do is hitting on anyone because this form of seduction feels like manipulating and imposing to me.
And I know some pick-up artists are dying to prove me wrong, but I really think that one-liners and clever tactics only look good on paper. What they won’t do is get you a lasting partnership.
Because living an epic relationship does not happen by playing the numbers and making a pass at as many people as you can; it’s about creating connection and intimacy. And the thing about intimacy is: you need to be authentic, which is scary AF.
This process involves time, attention, dedication, and the ever so scary risk of being rejected after someone gets to know the “real” you. That kinda hurts.
Is this enough of a reason to doom yourself to a life on one night stands though? It’s up to you to decide but after I (briefly) dated my fair share of high achieving six-packs and impressive resumes for a while, I decided I wanted more.
The false promises of “the game.”
By teaching you smart repartee, making it about techniques and numbers, the hope is that you’ll avoid the awkwardness of having someone say “no” to you.
It feels especially enticing for people dealing with low self-esteem issues and a somewhat superficial relationship blueprint. If you’re using those tools and someone is not interested, they are not actually rejecting you because they never get to know you in the first place.
Conversation then becomes an elaborate “trap,” including over-used jokes, negging, and “closing techniques.” FYI: in that situation, closing means fucking. This is about fucking. If you have any doubts, consider the fact there are even some discussions about overcoming “last-minute resistance” that feel like downright encouraging abuse.
I bet you don’t want to get to your desired end (whatever that is!) by messing up with someone’s brain so hard they are engaging with you out of fear of being alone, the pain of an old wound, or because they are confused or even drunk.
On top of being wrong on several levels, this is slowly killing your self-esteem, imprinting in your nervous system that you need to manipulate people to get their attention. It sends yourself and others the message that you are not lovable, confident, or fun to be with. This is not how you want to be thinking about yourself.
Ideally, you want someone that is just as much interested in the plan as you are.
Wanna hook up? Great! Some peoples are dying for some no strings attached fun. They will share that with you and not cross the boundaries of your arrangement afterward if you make them explicit.
Looking for someone to come home to? Also great! A more extended engagement will obviously lead to a longer period of getting to know each other. However, you probably should still discover if the person you are actually flirting with (I said flirting!) is interesting in the relationship you think of building with them as soon as possible.
What if they’re no? Well, you know, consent.
No amount of witty banter and sex jokes will get someone who’s not interested to whole-heartedly start something with you. It’s disappointing, but if you really like them, I bet you want to respect their wants and needs.
As the saying goes, it takes two to tango.
So what does work, you ask?
What I discovered over the years is that becoming extremely attractive is not for the faint of heart.
To become a real-life love magnet, what you need to do is to fall in love with yourself first. People do pick up on how you talk about yourself, treat yourself, and more generally, on your behavior. If you are staying on the edges of the room, hugging the walls, making sure you are taking as little space as possible, what they’ll understant is that you don’t want to be bothered, let alone seduced.
There goes your chance of being swept away by some adventurous lover.
You will need to overcome years of social encoding, thinking that you are not sexy/rich/smart/athletic enough and dare to treat yourself with love. It’s far from being easy, and the judge living in your head telling you that you should not feel good about yourself will come back again and again to diminish you.
The benefits you’ll get out of it are countless. Not only will it send out the message that you are lovable and ready to be loved, but it’s also required to heal your ancient wounding and help you go from survival to thriving in almost every aspect of your life.
Just think about it.
Are you keeping it small at your job because you’re afraid to take space? Self-love will allow you to shine.
Are you dating down because you don’t think you deserve a great partner? Self-love will empower you to connect to amazing people that are dying to know you.
Are you staying in a toxic relationship because you’re afraid you won’t find someone else? Self-love baby!
By loving yourself as much as you can, you will absolutely change your vibration and make it easier for high-quality partners to see you and find you, but you will also feel relaxed getting their attention because, you know, you’re great, so of course they want to meet you.
It’s also crucial to show up with authenticity, therefore building more profound, more meaningful connections. You know, the one that actually *last*.
So starting now I’d like you to try to show yourself some love. Treat yourself to a nice diner, cuddle your own body, or buy yourself a gift precisely the way you would for a partner you love. Be intentional about it.
See how you feel. You may feel some resistance because you’re not used to it. It’s normal, and you can breathe through it and keep showing yourself love. Rewire your brain to be able to accept it from yourself and from others.
If you want to really get to it, I recorded a total love meditation that you can use to go even deeper into the process.
Let me know what you decided to do for yourself in the comments. I wanna know!!!!