This is why none of my early relationships worked

If you’ve met me in my 20’s, you probably might have been fooled by the facade I was putting out for the world to see. I can’t blame you; it was a carefully crafted one.

From the outside, I was all looking great. I was a successful student at one of Paris’s top business schools, a model, a musician. I was writing a somewhat successful blog. My boyfriend and I got engaged and moved into a very cool rooftop apartment where we hosted many parties.
From the inside, I hated my body, was in desperate need for validation, and abused my adorable partner by making it his job to make me happy and not admitting it.

At some point, the relationship ended, and though we are dear friends now, at the time, I felt alone, worthless, and miserable.

And what then? My endless string of failed and/or toxic relationships resumed as usual.
I look back, and I have so much compassion for that part of myself who needed love and didn’t know that unconditional love only comes from spirituality (if you are into it) or from within.
I was either attracting predators or asking way too much from good guys who did not deserve that. Obviously I tried it all. Be sexier, change my hair, appear more conservative, fake disinterest to seem more of a “challenge.” Hide some of my interests like a shameful secret, pretend to be interested in their passions, anything to get scraps of love.

At some point, I was in a relationship that was draining me of my energy and I needed my space so bad that I put on my shoes and went out to the street, at night. Walking outside was not enough. Then I started to run.
It felt so good that I quickly bought running shoes and went for a jog every other day.

This was the turning point of my journey into self-care. I had the theory, I read a lot of books, I tried meditating and all. This day was different because I was embodying self-care. Living it to my core, being it. I was doing exactly what I needed and what I needed was running from that place. A few weeks after, we broke up.

Fast forward today, the heart-crushing failed relationships are a thing of the past, and I am surrounded by delightful, compassionate humans. Love is pouring from me to them and from them onto me. I can feel, express, and receive affection because I healed my ancient wounds of feeling unlovable.

It sucks, being told that you need to love yourself when you feel like the scum of the hearth and not the most unlovable person there is. It would be so much easier if what we need could be found outside, and if dealing with our childhood trauma was something we do out of curiosity if we do it at all.
Clearly, having someone holding space for you while you sort it out is very valuable, but I find and I see over and over again that simple self-love and pleasure practices, done consistently, can restore a broken heart, help you feel more confident and make it easier for you to connect with awesome peoples.

Maybe give it a try?

And if you want to give yourself some exquisite me-time I have a wonderfull 10mn Total Love meditation in my Love-magnet toolkit. It’s free and it is my pleasure to give ot to you.

Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published.